Johnny Gat and Kenzie Kensington aren't about to let that happen, so they follow Satan down into the depths of Hell. There you reunite with Dane, who tells you that you'll only get The Boss back by getting Satan's attention. You do this by doing a bunch of activities that are reminiscent of activities in previous games. Reminiscent might be a little strong. They are the exact same activities with husks running around instead of human people. There are even cars in Hell, so no creative solutions needed here!
This brings me to my biggest gripe. I enjoyed the activities in Saints Row 3. Very much so. HOWEVER, this was not the main event. Occasionally you'd get a mission that would take you to one of these activities so you would know how they worked, and the rest of them just lived in the world and you could do them if you want, you could ignore them if you want. The meat of the game had a story, A COHERENT STORY, and things generally made sense. This is not the case for Gat Out of Hell. ALL the main story quests in Gat Out of Hell involve going to an activity and doing it.
Each activity starts with Dane explaining what the activity is and telling you how this will really get Satan's attention. Bullshit, Dane. It's a cheap ass way of cobbling together a storyline without actually writing anything interesting, funny, or of the sense making variety.
These missions are given by 5 different Hell-dwellers as Loyalty quests. Why the fuck am I trying to gain loyalty from Shakespeare? I beat the game. I still don't know the answer to this question. It's not like they play into the endgame AT ALL. Their dialogue doesn't add much, and I just kind of wanted them to shut up so I could trudge through the rest of the bullshit quests that awaited me.
I want to mention that in Saints Row 3, I played every single activity available. I did this because I was enjoying the game as a whole, the world, everything about it so damn much, that I was trying to prolong the game. Having a game consist of nothing but these activities makes me instead want to sprint to the finish so I can never play this again.
One more note regarding the "Quests". The quest list is a joke. It says there are 50 quests to do, but if you look at them, it's chock full of nonsense you should find in an achievement list. Example: the quest "Testicular Manslaughter" requires you to kick a certain quantity of demons in the dick. This is not a quest, jackasses.
Next gripe: One of my favorite things about the Saints Row franchise is rolling around with my player character and another Saint. The interaction between you and your buds was always fun, well written, and made you really give a shit about them. There are literally zero missions that involve anyone else. Dane will sometimes chime in with some plot furthering words, but nobody wants to fucking talk to Dane.
On a related note, how the hell was Dane even talking to me? We don't have phones in Hell. I know this because I have no way to play music, which would have helped drown out the voices in my head and their incessant complaining the entire time I was playing.
SPEAKING OF MUSIC though, did you know that this game at one point decided it was a musical? One moment the devil is saying some shit I don't particularly find interesting, the next he bursts into song like it's High School Musical. I pretty much made this face the entire time the singing lasted.
The only good part about that was Jezebel started singing later, and Gat shuts her down, saying we're not doing that anymore. That got a chuckle.
Whenever the sorry excuse for a story would move forward, there would be storybook pages displayed with a voiceover describing what had happened. These coooould have been cool. Nothing really stood out to me in them though. No memorable laughs. It was a neat idea that wasn't really executed all that well.
That could be said about the game as a whole, I guess. I encountered some pretty heinous bugs during my 6 hours with it. Probably the worst one involved the Interaction button (E) suddenly becoming non-functional. This meant I couldn't start missions or activities. This meant I couldn't access the weaponry vending machines to buy ammo. This meant I couldn't open doors! I had to quit the program, and when I started it back up, it triggered the next main storyline point and fixed the issue. Another problem was encountered during the final fight with Satan. Something about Satan suspending me in the air while I was using the Armchair-a-geddon, a chair with Gatling guns and missiles, triggered an issue where I would remain seated but the chair was invisible or I would remain suspended in air as if Satan had ahold of me, but he did not. This was problematic because I couldn't shoot while in this state, but I could take damage and die perfectly fine, which it caused me to do.
On a positive note, the Armchair-a-geddon was a funny weapon. It was as satisfying to use as it was humorous. The cut scene before the big boss fight was also a highlight. There were some funny lines. Kenzie and Gat team up to Wrestlemania some demons. It was aight. And that's where the highlights end. I think the whole game got about 4 chuckles out of me. It was mostly an exercise in willpower to complete it.
I love you Saints Row, but we need an intervention. I'll forgive you for one bullshit cash grab, but my love and my dollars won't follow if the next installment is anything like this.
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